3:39 am

I can't sleep so I thought I'd try to write. There's a local artist that my mom and I have known for a long time, he's a metal sculptor, fabricator and welder. His work is really very impressive. A few months ago he offered to tutor me in exchange for some free labor, and I reluctantly turned him down because of my ridiculous schedule. He extended the offer again today and I've decided to take him up on it. To start with I'd be assisting him in his welding class at one of the local community colleges. It's a great opportunity for me to learn an art form which I really admire. I took a welding class about a year ago and I really enjoyed it. My class was very basic, but it's given me enough of a groundwork to be able to grow a new skill with his help.

Sarah and I talked a lot tonight. The last conversation is keeping me awake. I hate that the physical distance between us has had such a negative impact on what we had. There were other factors, but the distance keeps me from being able to be there for her. I want to be able to give her the answers to some of the things that are going on with her, but it doesn't work that way. Even the parts that hurt to hear I want to know about just so I can be there for her. There are parts she keeps from me and that's almost worse. I said something to her tonight that I wasn't meaning to. I told her that I haven't closed the book on us. I've seen a very good friend of mine regret making so serious a commitment so young. I don't want that for us. If we do get back together, I want it to be because there's no one else either of us would rather be with. I know that. It breaks me apart knowing that she wants and needs to experience other things. Would it be easier on me to just give up and move on, to hope there was someone out there I could love the way I love her. Maybe, but I don't believe this is one of those things where the easy way is the right way. I want her. I want what we had back. I'm not going to stop wanting her. If that requires me to sacrifice some much needed sleep or some temporary heartache then that's my choice. I'm aware that this gives her a certain amount of power over me. I've labeled myself, very distinctly, a sure thing. There can be no doubt about the level of my devotion. Does that make me a sucker? Maybe. But if there's a smarter way to go about this, I'm too close to the forest to see the trees.