the difference matters.

Something Sarah said to me the other night stuck. She said that I think as I talk. She's right. The problem is that's led to a lot of arguments lately. I work things out by talking them through, she prefers to do things differently, on her own. To me an argument isn't a wholly bad thing. I like the idea that someone could have a better idea than me. A good debate allows for the opportunity to change someone's mind, or conversely to accept a different way of thinking. Everything I've learned about the psychology of the female mind says it's not the same for women. They look at an argument as being unaccepting, as an imposition of will against their own. At least that's what I have to believe. I wish I was better at speaking her language. Because I've never gone looking for a fight with her, and she's said that she thinks I intentionally provoke her. This has led to her not talking to me. For the first time since everything began we've gone days without talking. That sucks. Because I was just getting to the point where I was going to be ok, just talking. Not fighting, not lecturing, just Hey, how was your day? Your nephew still doing adorable things? How's the Greek thing going? She reads this journal. I'm sure there is something to be said about the psychology of writing for an audience, but that's never been my goal here. I write this out for the same reasons I talk it through, I need to clarify, in my own head, what it is that I'm feeling. I need to be able to make decisions based on what I know I feel. Otherwise I'm just tilting at windmills. Otherwise, I'll just continue to make the same mistakes. I'll regret writing this next part but there was something else she said that stuck. She had read what I'd written about apologies, and responded "I'm sorry. See, I went to kindergarten. I'm sorry you are hurting..." the problem with this is, it's written as a condolence not an apology. I'm sorry you're hurting is not the same as saying I'm sorry I hurt you. That's the kind of thing I would never say to her. That would provoke a lot of hurt feelings. So if you read this Sarah, I'm sorry you did. I meant it when I said this journal wasn't going to help us be better friends. It's not a message to you. It's not a message to anyone. Maybe parts, but not this part. Someday I'd love to take a transcript of our conversations, sit down, and translate what we were feeling at the time for the other person. I keep thinking in quotations. Presently, I'm stuck on Nietzsche, " That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."